What up party people. So tomorrow is my birthday. *cheering*
Thank you. WOO! Stop it, stop it. We decided, instead of getting one birthday cake, we’re gonna challenge five chains to see who can make the best custom birthday cake. The catch? They don’t know they’re competing. They don’t even know they’re in this video We’re just gonna call five different places, give them the same set of instructions, see what happens! Here we go…OH!! All on a brand new show we just made up, called Candid Competition. It’ll be fun. I mean, it’ll be a disaster. This is also fun in a different way. Okay. Let’s order some cakes, huh? *upbeat intro music* *whispering* It’s a new channel, subscribe! So we’ve somewhat arbitrarily chosen five different chains. We’ve got Albertsons, which is the Safeway; Ralph’s which is Kroger; We’re going classic ice cream cake with Carvel, and Baskin Robbins, and no party is complete without my boy Walmart. What up Walmart! KEITH: What up Zach! ZACH: Walmart! What’re you doing here? KEITH: I’m just…hangin’ around! And in the end we’re gonna choose one winner, and give them 28 dollars in cold hard cash. One dollar for every year of my sweet beautiful life. Wow, what a life it’s been. The cake is gonna say ‘Happy Birthday Big Boy’. We’re gonna misspell happy and birthday to see if they correct it. Then, we’re going to ask for a checkered pattern in pink to see how they interpret that. We’re also going to ask them to Google me and draw a picture. I’m describing myself as “boy with glasses”. This is gonna be tough because I want to be clear but I also am trying to leave room for interpretation. Hi! How’s it going? And he’s only there in — in the evening? What a surprising turn of events. Okay. Well, thanks. Their cake person is a night shifter? That’s confusing. KEITH: Did they hang up on you? ZACH: They’ve hung up on me so many f*cking times! I have called Walmart four times! That time no one even — I’m calling back. KEITH: They’re at least a superstore and this hasn’t been very super. ZACH: Hi, could I get to the bakery please? Thank you. She said ‘Thank you for being the best part of Walmart!’ Lil ole me? It’s gonna ring forever. There’s not a chance they pick up. KEITH: Well, they probably so much frosting all over their hands. ZACH: And their hands are just tired from rolling back all the prices all the time. MAN ON PHONE: *mumbling* Can I help you? ZACH: Hi, is this the bakery? Oh my god, oh my god.
KEITH: What’d she say? ZACH: I asked if this was the bakery and she said “no just a moment”, now am I ringing again? What the tick? Yeah Walmart, I don’t care how good your cake is, you are not getting my check for $28. KEITH: Eliminated! ZACH: I think we have to eliminate them at this point.
KEITH: Yeah. KEITH: Did they hang up on you? Wow.
ZACH: They hung up on me. Who does Fudgie the whale? You don’t know Fudgie the whale? Fudgie the whale! He’s Carvel! He’s a whale made out of fudge! You don’t know Cookie Puss? Cookie Puss! Look, it’s Cookie Puss! Wow, they’ve been around since 1934. How ’bout that. How’s it going? I’d like to order a custom birthday cake. I think the eight inch round cake. Write and draw if possible. ‘H – A – P – Y, B – A – I – T – D – Y, big boy’ Big — big boy. Yeah, and then we have a drawing on the left and on the right. Let me tell you what, I’m gonna look at this one more time, and see if I can simplify it and then I’ll call you back in about five minutes. Alright, bye. Yeah, he kinda called out my bullshit. I guess it never occurred to me that the cake makers care about what they do. *laughter* After swinging and missing on the phone, I went to these websites online and I filled out each of the cakes as close to each other as possible. And I got an email from Ralph’s almost immediately, ‘Is there any possible way for you to come into the store and show us what you actually want? ‘We are not professionals but if you have a picture in color, we can print it on an edible sheet and we can place it on top of the cake.’ KEITH: You just reply with, ‘Try really hard, ‘I’ll buy the cake no matter what’. ZACH: So Carvel’s f**ckin’ website’s broken, and I was like, maybe it’s a Chrome thing. So I opened the Firefox, which you should never have to do, and I certainly could not call that man back so we may just need to… Fudgie the whale is out of the competition. KEITH: They’ve been eliminated!
ZACH: Fudgie has been eliminated! It’s cake time! We have our three cakes from Baskin Robbins, Albertsons, and Ralph’s, but in the end there can only be one winner on Candid Competition. We’ll be judging them on appearance, following my direction-ness, and the yummy factor. I’m the big boy. And today is my day. And any way you celebrate me, in art, is okay. To be honest, I am allergic to dairy. So all of these cakes are just a straight-up diarrhea factory. Let’s dive in. Here we go. This is exciting. Uh… First impressions? Hard to not react to the little me, I am adorable. I don’t know that they actually googled me, that could be me, that could be Keith. Actually, I don’t even know if those are glasses because they’re not connected on the inside I think that’s just a boy with a mean cat-eye. Maybe double monocles? Where’s the pink checkered pattern? Was I just — was I writing these instructions for myself? Does no one care about my special day? I don’t know. I was expecting to be wowed today, and this doesn’t wow me. I will say that the hair is — is kind of close to mine. Yeah. It reminds me of unicorn feces, which I consider high praise. Oh, oh, this is a dense cake. This is not because I’m weak. This is a plastic knife. This is the knife from your wedding, no? Oh, these are passover kni– Thought you said they’re from your wedding. Ah, it’s so cold against my teeth. Here’s the deal, I haven’t had ice cream in about…. three years… It is really good! It is not big boy appearance, but this is — this is big man flavor. Two minutes of this is worth 20 minutes on the toilet Is there a less crass way to say that? This reminds me of the, you know, the birthday where like, one of the cooler kids at school had a party the same day and everyone went to his party, but then like some of the moms made the kids also go to your party for a little bit ‘cuz like, you know, moms are nice to kids and then like it’s like well… Thanks for coming for a little bit, but I know you want to go to Ryan’s party because he has Ninja Turtles in the backyard. My stomach already feels weird. Cake number two, this cake is from Albertsons, which I thought was a fancy supermarket and Keith’s just told me it’s not. It’s regular. I have very high hopes for contestant number two! Albertsons is the only chain that did not reach out to us for any follow up instructions, which tells me that the artists there were very confident in their vision. Here. We. GO! *laughter* What the f**k! *laughter* It’s a f**king St. Patrick’s Day cake. They did not offer a normal cake. And so I requested that they use this base and then make something different. They apparently, uh, are only capable of drawing one thing and that is a Golden Horseshoe. Is this a horseshoe or is it just a U? Happy birthday, big boy. Who’s big boy? U! Oh my god. Oh my god! They spelled happy with three P’s! Wow! Wow, okay, this is…. They f*cked up in their own way. Oh my god. I don’t know if that gets bonus points or negative points! That’s definitely not an A. That’s an O. That’s hoppy with three P’s. Do you think like they’re making like a joke because it’s like St. Patrick’s Day and you drink beer and beers are hoppy? Who did they think wanted a St. Patrick’s Day cake with Happy Birthday on it? I guess maybe if I were Irish… The Albertson’s cake is the cheapest of the bunch. It’s only nine dollars. I’ll say that every — every dollar shows. Customization, I’m gonna call this one a belly flop, did not stick that landing at all. Honestly, I’m pretty delighted. I think this whole time I was trying to manufacture a cake fail, not realizing that sometimes, life just finds a way. Ooh that one cuts like cake. Mm-hmm. Yeah, that’s birthday cake. Yeah, it’s pretty f*ckin’ good. I’m a little kid. I’m ready for the slip and slide. This is gonna slip and slide down my intestines, y’know what I’m sayin. So I’m too famous for cake? Wow. Next! Okay, last but hopefully not least. This cake is from Ralph’s. Now, I met the woman who made my cake, she told me that she tried her best and that she was sorry and then apparently she tried to reach out to me to ask if I wanted somewhere else to do it because she didn’t want to ruin my birthday. When she handed me this cake, she said ‘happy birthday big boy’. She called me big boy in real life. So.. that’s exciting. wOAHH!!!!! Yeah! Wow. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. First of all, half the drawing is my shirt. That’s a hilarious choice. I think she did a great job, the attention to detail! My eyeballs are three-dimensional, I have teeth, which is adorable. I think she recreated my Twitter profile picture.
KEITH: Wow. What the f**k? Right? Wait, get her — get her face! Yeah, that’s pretty impressive. You don’t think this looks like me? But it is the most Illustrated drawing that I have seen so far, I am impressed. This is a hawt cake. This is a cake that you look and you go, “damn. I wanna bite, I want a little nibble.”. What do you think is going on right here, on the side of my head? Do I have a side pony? Or maybe she started to draw me like a payes like thinking that I was like jew-ier than I was, you know and then she’s like, oh, he’s not that Jew-y. KEITH: Happy birthday big boy! Wow, look at that cross-section! Wow! KEITH: You’ve certainly improved at slicing over time. Thank you. Yum. That tastes exactly the same as the Albertson’s cake. There’s definitely some generic cake mix they’re all taken from. Yeah, I mean, this is great. Well, I guess there’s really only one thing left to do now. I guess now it’s time to pick a winner! I’m very grateful to all three of their places, you know, in their own special way, all of our competitors tried, you know and that’s all that I can ever ask for. Only one cake got close. Ralph’s, You f*ckin’ take the cake! AYEEE It’s my birthday so let’s eat some cake! In the end, it’s not about which chain has the best cakes, it’s about the individuals who work there and who tried the hardest. Hi! Do you remember me? Yeah, big boy. You didn’t know, but we were actually doing a secret competition, your cake was the best and we’re excited, you made my birthday the best. I just wanted to say thank you. That’s it. And if anyone needs a cake, we’ll tell ya to come to Ralph’s! So she did not accept the 28 dollars because she’s not in it for the monetary gain. She’s in it for the love of the game, but she did get a hug. Thank you so much. And if that’s not worth at least $28, I don’t know what is. Okay. Bye! This has been Candid Competition, big boy out. I’m grateful to all our contestants today who put their hearts into these designs and that’s all this big boy could ever ask for. And at the end of the summer, the world hadn’t changed, I changed. *happy music*