Kelsey Cook – Homemade Sex Toy – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored – Exclusive
– “Um…I wanted to know what
sex felt like, “so I took your manicure tool, and I put it…” [laughter][dark electronic music][bell dinging] Oh.
[chuckles] Nicely done. Yes. Mmm. Mmm! [moaning] [piglet whining]♪ ♪[fork clatters]♪ ♪[whining]♪ ♪[whining continues]♪ ♪Your mama’s so delicious.[cheers and applause]She has her own podcast,
“Cook’d.” Please give it up for Kelsey
Cook.[cheers and applause]– The time that I tried
masturbating, I ended up in the emergency
room. [laughter] And it happened because I went
through this super-awkward puberty leading up to it. Like, when I was 15, that was
the year that all of my friends lost their virginity, and I was
the only one who hadn’t yet, so I felt really left out. Like, my friends would talk
about their favorite positions at lunch, and I would just bury
myself in my sandwich like, “Oh, cool, anal, ehh…”
like… Like, I was so naive. I had a very Lisa Simpson vibe
in school. Like, a guy passed me a note in
math class. It just said “69” on it, and I didn’t know what that
meant yet. I thought he was starting a
math game with me. [laughter] So I just built onto it. I was like, “69 divided by 3 is
23. Your turn.” [laughter] He was like, “The fuck? No, this is not what you think
this is.” And I got teased for not
knowing, and I just, like, I kind of
snapped, right? Like, there was too many things
building up. I was so sick of feeling left
out and clueless, and I was sick of waiting for a
boyfriend to lose my virginity to, so I got this
crazy idea, and I was like, “Okay, I’m
gonna stick something up there “so that I’ll know what sex
feels like and I can feel cooler around my
friends.” I know how mentally unstable
this sounds, by the way. Any time you go the homemade
dildo route, never a great idea. But I was so desperate to fit
in that I just decided to take matters into my own
pussy, so, you know, I was, like, this is happening
now. So…so I went home from
school, and I decided to, like, you
know, look around the house for an object to lose my
virginity to. [laughter] You know, and just like
anyone’s first time, I was super nervous. Oh, my God. And I went to my mom’s bathroom
closet, because it was just full of,
like, phallic wonders, right? Just, like, Sonicare toothbrush
handles and travel-sized shampoo
bottles. But the thing that really
caught my eye was, she had this handheld manicure
tool. You could put little
attachments on top to, like, buff your nails, but the
handle was shaped like a dick. A little too much like a dick,
by the way. Like, whoever designed it was
definitely targeting curious teenage girls
and lonely housewives. It was bright blue. It looked like Papa Smurf’s
boner. Just, ugh.
Just so awkward. The only problem I didn’t
notice at the time was that it was made of a
grippy rubber material. Yeah. There’s a little foreshadowing
for you. But again, I knew nothing about
that hole and, like, what should or shouldn’t go in
there. So…
[sighs] So I drop my pants, and I, you
know, put my foot up on the side of
the tub, as you do. [laughter] You know. Hi, sir, by the way. This is…
[sighs] Weird for both of us. And I–I started to try and,
you know, like, make this happen, but I’m not
aroused by anything that’s going on. Frankly, I’m terrified, so I’m as dry as a dead man’s
mouth. [laughter] And my body is not helping me
at all. So that combined with this
grippy rubber material, it’s like a kid trying to go
down an unsoaked Slip ‘N Slide. It’s just, like… [laughter] Nothing. So I stop for a sec, and the
sane part of my brain is like, “Dude, this is clearly not
meant to be. You just need to wait to have
regular-person sex.” [laughter] And then the crazy part of my
brain was like, “I’m not a fucking quitter.” [laughter] I’m already crouched over naked
like Gollum. Like, we’ve come this far. Let’s just throw the Hail Mary. So all of my desperation to fit
in fueled my tiny pubescent wrist
until I fit the manicure tool all the way inside of me. And then I just stood there
frozen for a second with it in me like, “Uhh.” And then I threw it out, and I
threw it in the trash, and I got in the shower to,
like, wash the shame off of me. [laughter] And I knew that something was
horribly wrong right away, because I started to feel a
burning and itching sensation. And I was like, “Oh, fuck. “Okay, I’ll look at it with a
mirror, and maybe it will look
fine.” [laughter] What I saw in that mirror still
haunts my dreams to this day. My crotch had swollen shut. [laughter] Closed like the bank on a
Sunday. My pussy looked like Rocky’s
eye turned sideways. [laughter] Yeah, no bueno. So my stomach dropped. I was like, “Oh, my God. “I need medical attention. “I’m gonna have to tell a
doctor exactly what “I just did, but before that, “I’m gonna have to tell my mom, “because I need somebody to
drive me to the doctor’s office.” Like, my puberty is just
flashing before my eyes. Everything’s coming to an end. So my mom is in bed at this
point. She’s doing, like, a crossword
puzzle or something momsie. I walk in pale as a ghost. And she sees me, and she’s
like, “What’s going on with you?
What’s wrong?” And I was like, “Um… “I don’t
know how to tell you this, because you’re never gonna see
me the same way again.” [laughter] And she was like, “Sweetie, nothing you tell me can make
me stop loving you.” [laughter] [sighs] And I was like, “Let’s not say
things we can’t take back.” [laughter] I was like, “Um, “I wanted to know what
sex felt like, “so I took your manicure tool, and I put it…” [laughter] “I put it inside me, and now my
vagina’s gone.” [laughter] And my mom was like, “Wow. “Well, we were gonna have
corn dogs for dinner, but…” [laughter] “Now that seems like a safety
hazard, so…” [laughter] She’s like, “All right, get in
the car; here we go, going to the doctor’s office,”
so we drove down to the emergency clinic. I grew up in this tiny town. I’d been seeing the same family
doctor since I was, like, five years
old. He’s this 60-year-old Christian
man, very Steve from “Blue’s Clues”
type of energy, not great for the situation. He has no idea how to handle
it. He’s just like, “Okay, Kelsey, we’re all a little confused as
to what you did.” [laughter] “Something with a–a manicure
tool? Susan, do you know?
Nope, nobody knows, okay.” [laughter] “Do I need to have a little
look-see at your undercarriage?” I’m like, “Just put me down
like an old animal. Oh, my God.
I can’t do this.” So he straps on his miner’s
headlight… [laughter] To go spelunking for treasure. [laughter] And he goes down, and he pokes
around with a Q-tip a little bit, and he comes back
up, and he’s like, “All right, so, you know, from
all the swelling and burning “and inflammation, I can deduce “that you are allergic to
latex. “So, you know, going forward,
that means no latex condoms, “no latex gloves. “Please don’t do anything with
balloon animals. No.” [laughter] “Let’s not do that.” So I left the clinic that day
with that knowledge that I’m allergic to latex. All my future boyfriends have
been very happy about that, right, you know, just high
fives all around, no condoms. I’m just riddled with disease. [laughter] Unfortunately, I didn’t redeem my awkward reputation at
school. You know, I did all that to try
and fit in, and instead, word spread around the school
of what happened, and everybody was like, “Hey,
old hairy bush “made her pussy disappear;
check that out. Look at that, the world’s worst
magician over here.” [laughter] I was so embarrassed. Like, this haunted me for ten
years. I was just mortified about it. And I honestly thought I was
done with my latex encounters until two years ago when I
moved to Los Angeles and I went to a new doctor for
my annual exam, and I was lying back on the
table. He did the whole, like, fingers
inside you business, and then I sat up as he was
taking his gloves off, and I was like “Oh, no.” I was like, “Are those latex
gloves?” And he was like, “Yeah, do you
have an allergy?” And I was like, “Yeah.” And he was like, “Oh, I’m so
sorry. What happens when you come into
contact with it?” And I was like, “My vagina
tries to kill itself.” [laughter] And he was like, “Oh, shoot. “Okay, well, there’s not much I
can do for you right now. “I can prescribe you some cream that you can spread down
there.” I was like, “It’s not a bagel.
I don’t…” [laughter] “I don’t want to do that.” So he writes me this
prescription, and he walks out, and I’m just
standing there so pissed. I’m like, “There’s no way I’m
going through this again. Like, there has to be a way
around this.” So my survival instincts
kicked in. And I locked the doctor’s
office door behind me. And I got another crazy idea. I was like, “Okay, I’m gonna
masturbate, “because if I can make myself
come, “I might be able to flush out
the allergens before a reaction starts.” I think Bill Nye would be
pretty proud of my plan. [laughter] There’s obviously no scientific
research behind this at all. But I was just, like, I just
have to try this. I have to go for it. I’m also standing there, like,
I can’t believe that ten years ago I tried masturbating and I
gave myself an allergic reaction, and now
I’m gonna masturbate to try to not have an allergic
reaction. Really a decade of doing the
Lord’s work, this one. So I’m racing against the clock
at this point. Like, this reaction’s coming,
so I drop my pants, and I just, like, I close my
eyes. I try to, like, find a way to
be turned on. I just–I picture that Channing
Tatum’s behind me just, like, you know, grinding it out
to some “Pony” by Ginuwine. You know, just, like, really
encouraging me. And by the power of Magic Mike, I came, and I did not have an
allergic reaction. Hey. [cheers and applause] Thank you. Yeah. Sometimes you’ve got to be your
own douche. And now I think I should get
the letters “RX” tattooed on these two fingers,
’cause they’re the only prescription I need,
motherfucker. All right, I’m Kelsey Cook.
Thanks so much, guys.[dark electronic music]– Kelsey Cook, everybody.Give it up for Kelsey Cook.[cheers and applause]
Killeddddd๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐
She does love analogies
Bring back Airy Shaver.
Wtf this chick is gay
shes pretty and funny yay
Pretty sure she's not allergic to latex. There was something else on the manicure tool. You can't stop an allergic reaction like that
She is weird not funny
Funny pretty
I feel like the audience was dead cuz they just stood 4 feet away from a complete stranger talking about masturbation in a pretty matter of fact tone. There's lots to unpack there. We got to pick this video knowing we might here some shit they got inflamed prepubescent pussy at random and to some people that might be a bit shocking ๐
So NOT funny.
She's like a thinner hotter funnier Amy Schumer
Hahahahaha
Sheโs like a Younger, Thinner, Prettier Amy Schumer
Really funny, but got nervous in front of the audience and stopped trusting her material.
Lmao @ all these " The audience was dead", "The crowd was unresponsive"…. They were dead because she's trash. She's only funny to goofy stay at home moms that make the "there is no pricetag so it must be free!" to cashiers and dudes that want to fuck her and think laughing at her jokes will give them a chance with her.
Crowd was trash that was gold humor man
Laughed so hard
Not that she wasn't funny but her logic made her seem so blonde no one knew if it was actually ok to laugh
She was mildly humorous annnd really hawt!! Wudda babe!! I, thnk tht, the 'subject-matter'/'material' was a bit too personal, for tha audience, tho…
And every guy is thinking, "If she wants to learn, I'll help you."
OOOOO "F" THE CROWD !!! THIS WAS FUNNY !!!!
The look on people's faces when she said "swollen shut" was hilarious!
I hate the intro
Why do women comedians always have to go down the awkward sex comedy route itโs so bad.
In the mood for more This Is Not Happening? Watch comedians' most outrageous sex and romance stories here: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLD7nPL1U-R5p26gyn9MH4nOit3BcfNyYZ
Skylar grey can do it all
I bet she got sum gud Pussy
Tasteless. Women havenโt cracked the standup code yet๐
She's funny and crazy as hell ๐ ๐๐ค
Wow she deserved WAY more laughs, this was hilarious
A bit slow but she got there in the end
(Googles Rockyโs eye)
Look I would give her sticky hair but her delivery needs work and her voice is cringy
You know why 77 is better then 69?
You get ate more…..
F u shame
Bill burr is better.
Significantly
ladies and gentlemen itโs hot amy schumer
A Real strong young sexy Jessa Reed vibe
It was probably not latex that was the irritant!!
I would love to fuck you I'll definitely make your gorgeous ass wet
Women are not funny. Ever.
that was funny shit . the audience was cold . and the opener , with the roast pig ? oh hell yeah !
Dude in the blue shirt looks so uncomfortable ๐
the intro was hillarious
The response from the crowd seemed split between laughter and a certain level of sadness over a young girls misadventure of trying to fit in and ending up being more ostracized than before. I see ways to make it funnier, but then the heart of it, the pathos, goes away.
the asian ladies face at like 10:10 lol shes like ewww wtf XDD her face lol
I wonder where did she play with her self at ๐ค I guess in the car in front the dr office
Facial expressions are the same as Amy Schumer
not funny at all
just sounds Desparate
She's awesome
Did someone boo at the end?! Like, that last line was one step too far? Have they SEEN this show before? Is it only funny when guys say something a bit nasty? Hey person- ๐, truly.
The guy in the flannel has no interest in humor.
"Doing the lords work" – Theo Von
That was really funny but the audience was dead inside or something
Maybe youโre not allergic to latex? Maybe youโre allergic to a cross contaminant that was on the manicure tool?
No. Women cannot and will never be funny.
There is a way around it. Tell the medical staff youโre allergic to latex, and make it clear youโre highly allergic. BTW all of our gloves are made of Nitrile now. We no longer use gloves made out of actual latex.
#NurseLife
Wow I feel so bad for her you can see sheโs looking for a reaction from the crowd and is getting nothing. Sheโs way funnier then the crowd is representing
This woman was really slow, boring, and should give it up. Even Brendan Schaub can do it better -.-
This story made my vagina hurt…๐
Amazing
Somebody resuscitate the crowd.
I thought she was Kate Gosselin for a second.
What a trooper
So Curiosity killed her ๐น
Amy apprentice??
What a cool mom!
This had me creasing!
awkward…..
Worst pitty party ever.
jokes: 90%
laughs: 40&
gotta say lately i feel like women comics are getting BETTER….finally…and thats a shame because this audience SUCKED!
She sexy
Dude she's straight up Amy Schumer back when she was young and attractive
Look at the Asian girl with glasses bottom right when she talks about her pussy closing shut.
๐
Her metaphors are on point.
Her highlight though
I swear just cos a girls hot guys in the comments think theyโre funny – she was very mediocre for a professional comedian – I know regular guys funnier than this
That's how I found out I was allergic to latex condoms. I feel you ON A VAGINA LEVEL ALL THE WAY
dude in the plaid was totally planning on getting her number
9:32 Watch the woman on the right with the glasses. I think she just saw a ghost
Huhhhmmm excuse me โitโs not a bagelโ ๐๐
I like how 90% of women comedians only talk about sexual shit because thatโs all theyโre good for.
If this story is true Iโm thinking that she probably never had a latex allergy to start with. She probably just had a reaction to whatever was on the manicure tool or just an immune reaction from the trauma she did to herself. But who knows. The story is funny but also gross.
This wasn't funny. All female comedians have is sex talk.
Ok, slightly funny
Women comics and sex jokes.
That was good!!! Awkward and funny rolled into one !!!
The problem having a girlfriend whoโs a comedian is that when you break up you know youโre in for a world of embarrassment as she gets back at you.
For what it was she was pretty damn good. Not a seasoned stand up comedian or anything but she did a good job and had me laughing at least a lil bit all the way through
That was good. I love stand up about yourself ๐
Kelsey. Stick to foosball
Longest joke ever but crowd seemed asleep half the time
Why do girl comedians always make the same jokes, always about sex
You killed it! by that I mean you killed comedy
Women used to have some dignity.
pencils, …me …lots of pencils thrown away…… when i was young LOL
WwwooowwW
anyone noticed the guy in blue is cute?
Well I'm in love.
Damn, that was a painful 13 minutes. How can such a beautiful woman be so boring